Mr Apologetic

I used to think I was a terrible person with no redeeming qualities.



And then someone puffed my head up, gave me so much pride in saying that my atonement for my crimes against humanity were “worthy enough” to discount all the wrong that I have done.



And I admit, I did listen to it for a while.



And then the truth hit me like a 90 lb. sandbag at the New Orleans Gulf Levee…







…I hadn’t changed one bit.



There is still that selfish, self-motivated, self-centered guy deep inside of me, and even though I do the right things sometimes I do it on accident, and other times I do it with an ulterior motive.



The truth of the matter is that I cannot hide who I really am for long. I hurt those who come in contact with me somehow, disappointments. I love to help people because it makes me happy when I see they are happy. But what would happen if the ones I love to help were used in the past by people and then, scared of being used again this time, prepare themselves to be used?

I cannot fathom what has happened to me.



My own love of my life, she has been abused in the past…many times to save her from worse conditions. It hurts me to know that my own girl was abused so badly. But when I think about how badly those bruises are on her conscious mind, I cant help but think, “how bad is the wounds to her subconscious mind?” Oh my love, if only you knew somehow…if only I could tell you how badly I don’t want to use you…but the selfishness inside of me is preparing to do just that…and I feel like one day…I will... All her life she was abused just to live and not be killed. She never told it to anyone but I knew it and I couldn’t tell anyone either.



And my best friend. He was a nice guy, a really awesome older person. But I was so foolish to talk with him and complain to him about other people. I know it was selfish of me to keep him to myself often And it was selfish of him to keep me to himself often enough as well. My life will change I know it will…but he didn’t care and recently we haven’t been talking at all. My heart hurts…His heart is healed and he can run swim and jump but I will forever be weighed down with a heavy heart for how things ended between us. He gave me all the happiness in the world he could. And my dark evil soul ate his happiness and gave him back the refuse of Sadness.



Finally, an intelligent promising fellow student. Before he went to school He was boarding I was not. He was full time I was not. He needed financial aid and I didn’t really need it. So for the first three months I gave him what was necessary to continue his education, no ulterior motives then, and for what was short, he always made up for it. Then he entered a contest and it went badly, the time he spent preparing failed him in the end. He had no work, he had nothing. And the bills came and went and in the end, the treasurer of the University had no mercy on him. I cry because I knew his situation all along. He wants to fight back and get back in but…My heart is broken bcuz I know what he doesn’t want to do and is willing to do to get the money. Dammit, it hurts bcuz In the end who will destroy our relationship for the money? Me. Dammit! Its not in his character at all but he’s going to do it anyway, and my selfish ugly perverted horrible side of me is struggling with my morals to let him do it. Bcuz somehow, Im still the evil me.



Where is the selfish side of Rob? Its still there. No one can fight it. No one can. Its going to come out and feed its evil soul on the good souls of others. And I apologize in advance for what I am about to do to all three of you.